Sleep

Day 195
I learned how vital sleep is when trying to cope with anything. As of this weekend I hadn't slept more than a few hours over a 72 hour period and was quickly losing it. Even being in my house was painful because I was faced with constant reminders of my loss. I got an email around 3 pm yesterday from Trenton saying that he had arranged for his Mom to watch the kids overnight and he booked a hotel room for me in a lovely, lush part of downtown Denver. He treated me to dinner at my favorite restaurant and watched over me as I slept deeply, truly restfully, for the first time since I learned that I was miscarrying over a week ago. By the time I woke up this morning he had already left for work and the sun was just starting to rise. I sat on the balcony and watched it light up the city and then slept a couple more hours. Obviously I'm still sad, and my hormones are surging, but it's amazing what a little sleep can do for the psyche. I actually feel like this isn't the end of the world now. I am so thankful to have Trenton and my family who have been more than supportive to me. But nobody has been there for me more than my own two babies. It's like they instinctively know that all I need right now is to be wrapped up in them. When I got home all three of us buried ourselves under the blankets in my bed and napped for several hours. I had one baby in each arm and everything about that makes me healthy again.
This whole experience has made me want to go up to every pregnant woman I see and just plead with her to not take any of her healthy pregnancy for granted. Every bout of nausea means that the hcg levels are increasing, and each ache is an indication that the baby is growing in her healthy, expanding uterus. But then, that isn't my job I guess. Only Heavenly Father can be so effective at reminding us to count our blessings. I know he's done a number on me lately. It's unbelievable to me that I'm even saying this genuinely, but I am- I'm thankful this happened because I now understand how real it is to lose something so important, and it makes everything I have been blessed with so much more precious.

Janet

Miscarriage

Day 194

I learned last Wednesday that I was most likely miscarrying this baby. I continued to suffer all week because there was a glimmer of hope with my HCG levels rising, only to find tonight at the ER that they have dropped to the nearly non-pregnant level. The man doing the ultrasound didn't even have to speak- his face went white. I have never hurt this badly emotionally in my life- and I've been through some pretty rough times. How do people even get over something like this? How do they go on to live normal lives, and go see movies and eat ice-cream and go shopping, and laugh? Other than something happening to my living children, I can't imagine a pain worse than this. I don't know how to manage such agonizing, hurtful, desperate emotions. I feel like I am in hell.

Janet

Blah

Day 193

Today I learned about the most beautiful drug in the world, Zofran. It's an anti-nausea medicine that they give to chemo patients, and in my case...very sick pregnant women. Thank goodness.

Janet

Now We're a Party of Five

Day 192

I am aware that I haven't posted since Wednesday, but that's because my head has been spinning with the realization that I am going to be having another baby. My body is creating another human life as we speak. And because of this fact I have had a hard time putting any words together that represent my emotions, to the magnitude at which I am feeling them. Would you like to know the progression of my thoughts when that test's line first turned pink?

1. GET OUT OF TOWN!
2. This is SOOOO exciting!
3. How am I going to tell Trenton?
4. How is my body going to handle another pregnancy?
5. Am I going to be as sick as I was with Ben?
6. Crap, I just ordered a size 4 dress for the Chorale.
7. Shouldn't I be more frightened?
8. How am I going to decorate one room for two kids when Ben and Emma have to share a room?
9. This is better than Christmas!
10. I was pregnant at Emma's first birthday and didn't know it yet. I was pregnant at Ben's first birthday and didn't know it yet. My babies are all going to be the EXACT same distance apart. There has got to be some existential, karmic explanation for this symmetry. Or maybe celebrating birthdays just makes me really fertile.
11. Wait a minute...I almost had a D + C and laproscopic surgery earlier this month. I was there. I had my little gown and surgical hat and slippers on and the IV was already pumping the freezing cold saline in my arm when the nurse took my temperature and said I had a slight fever. "Don't do the surgery today Janet." I thought to myself in desperation. "Don't let them cut into you today." I had a nervous breakdown, right there in the pre-op room and quietly alerted my Dr, "I can't do this today Dr. Skiles. I am so sorry. I just can't do this. I'm too nervous and I don't have a good feeling about it. I don't know why...I know you're an awesome surgeon, but I can't be cut into today. I have two kids at home that need me and I just feel like something would go wrong today if I went ahead." Do you know what my gentle, loving Dr. said? She sat right down next to me, put her hand on mine and said, "Let's not do it then. I'm actually excited to have a couple extra hours because I needed to buy a new picnic table for my deck. Let's put off the surgery for a while and explore some more non-surgical options for you." Then she gave me a hug and went on her way. Now, there have been plenty of times that I've been nervous. I was scared to death when I had a couple of my wisdom teeth removed, but I did it anyway because I didn't have this impending feeling of doom if I were to go through with it. This was different. This was an all encompassing terror. This was my body begging me in every, sickening way it knew how to NOT GO THROUGH WITH IT. And I will never forget how warm, ethereal, even compassionate the sun felt as I walked out of the surgical center that day. That D+C would have scraped out this budding life within me. Maybe I would have never known. People have chemical pregnancies all the time where they lose a pregnancy before they even know their pregnant. But something tells me I would have felt that void. Never again, for the rest of my life, will I ignore a prompting or my gut feeling. And so this immediately led to my next thought...
12. Thank you God!

Trenton is just as excited as I am. He found out from Emma when she said, "Mommy has a baby in her tummy." The several tests I accidentally left around the house might have also tipped him off. I am nervous, but not scared. I am actually at peace with all this finally. I am so happy.

Janet

Sandwiches

Day 191

Today I was reunited with the beautiful, everlasting, glorious BLT. Is there anything better? I mean really, is there anything more delightful than biting into the buttery, dense bread, with the slight crunch of lettuce, sweet juiciness of the tomato and salty, chewy bacon? Today I realized there are just some things you shouldn't mess with...ever. All you Foodies out there with your avocado and alfalfa sprouts and sun-dried tomato pesto...stay far away from my BLT. In fact this goes to all of us, who at some point or another, try to complicate those things that have already achieved their states of perfection. Why can't we just let it be sometimes?

It is said that BLT's are the second most popular sandwich in the United States, second only to the Ham sandwich. That means that this feisty little guy beat out Turkey, Tuna, Egg, Chicken Salad, and so many other types of sandwiches with its salty deliciousness. Supposedly, BLT's date back to the Victorian era when they were eaten with tea. Who would have thought of a BLT as a tea sandwich? Sounds like my kind of tea party!

Thanks Steve for the awesome sandwich!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/BLT_sandwich

Janet

Birthday Boy

Day 190

This time exactly one year ago I was in excruciating pain preparing to give birth to one of the sweetest, most darling little boys in the history of this world. I might have been in pain, but there was still a twinkle in my eye because I just knew he was going to be something special. I will never forget the way he looked when they first handed him to me. My memory will never lose the way he smelled and felt. It is an understatement to say that I love my babies.

They are my heart. Today I was reminded that this is what it's all about. They are the point to all this. To everything.

At least that's what my sentimental heart is telling me today. Happy Birthday Baby Boy!

Janet

Money

Day 190

Today I learned the importance of balancing the checkbook every day. Apparently some lessons are meant to be learned over and over....and over.


And over again.

Janet

1st Birthday

Day 189 (Saturday August 14)

We celebrated my baby's first birthday today with our friends and family. We couldn't have asked for a more perfect day. For Emma's first birthday I went a little crazy. Overboard, really, with decorations, food, goody bags...everything was just too much. I didn't enjoy myself and I think I stressed the birthday girl out too. So for Ben's party I had decided a while ago that we were going to keep things as low key as possible. We went to a park, spread some blankets down, had some yummy sandwiches and everyone brought a salad to share. Tate and Trenton set up a volleyball net, ladder ball, and Trenton's mom brought sack toss for us to play. My favorite part of the whole day was after Ben had his go at the cake when I gave spoons to all the little ones that were watching with patience. They dove into that chocolate cake without any hesitation. Nobody was worried about germs, or how much of the sweet, mud-looking chocolate they had smeared on their faces or clothes. They were totally going for it. Truly embracing every icing and chocolate drenched moment. The sun was perfect, not too hot, and most everyone stayed for hours after the party. My stomach didn't hurt once because I was enveloped in happiness. And most importantly...Ben had a blast. He loved being passed around from Grandma to Grandma, Cousin to Aunt, Uncle to Grandpa. And he got to crawl around in endless, silky grass, and eat his OWN adorable cake that his Grandma Laurie made just for him.

My point to all this is that today I learned just how happy we would all be if we could model these children -unabashedly seeking joy, and not being embarrassed or ashamed to get it. And I also learned just how pleasurable and truly relaxing simplicity can be.

If you would like to see the rest of the pictures from Ben's Birthday, I will be updating those on my family blog- http://www.jantrenemm.blogspot.com/.

Janet

Survival

Day 188

I am sure you've noticed that I haven't been as devoted the past couple days to this blog. It's because I am officially in survival, auto-pilot, only-doing-what-is-absolutely-necessary mode. I guess that's what I learned today- that some days it's okay to just survive. I believe the term is, "Endure to the end." There wasn't any free-spirited running, or skating, or bursts of true joy today. Just a lot of enduring. Thank goodness there are always better days to look forward to, and sisters who are willing to provide warm, home-cooked meals, and husbands who holler down, "I've got the bath running for you!"

Janet

Party Blog

Day 187

http://apartystyle.blogspot.com/2010/02/milk-and-cookies-party_10.html

I was directed to this fabulous blog today- and this particular post will get your creative juices flowing.

Janet

Overwhelmed

Day 186

Anthony Robbins said, "If we don't see a failure as a challenge to modify our approach, but rather as a problem with ourselves, as a personality defect, we will immediately feel overwhelmed."

Well here I go...modifying my approach, because I am DONE with feeling COMPLETELY overwhelmed, and I REFUSE to believe that I don't have some say in all this. I am sick of feeling like I've been assaulted by circumstances.

Janet

Jury Duty

Day 185

Today I learned that I've been summoned for jury duty! Ugh! I also learned that I can effortlessly pass an entire day just hanging out in my parents' living room with my brothers and sisters. And finally, I was reminded of how important date night is to the health and well-being of my relationship with Trenton. It's amazing how recharged I feel when it's just the two of us again.

Janet

New month of learning something new

Day 184 (Friday, August 6)

http://www.learnsomethingeveryday.co.uk/

Janet

Simply Decorated

Day 183

I found this blog and I just had to share. It makes me so happy!

http://simplydecorated.blogspot.com/?expref=next-blog

Janet

Contractor

Day 182

There has been a lot of "why me's" spoken in our home lately. Not so much the whiny kind, but more of the pondering "why me's." Literal questions, posed to the heavens, asking what it is we're supposed to be learning from all this. I guess that's the only way I stay sane...the idea that there truly is a purpose behind everything. And I do believe that to be true. It's not simply a crutch I use to get through life. Anyway, something clicked today as I watched the contractor spread joint compound on the walls of our bathroom like a giant peanut butter sandwich. Maybe all this had nothing to do with us. To be able to feed his family, this contractor needed a job like the one he did today. He makes his money by repairing things. His prayers were answered the day our pipes broke. And I guess I'm okay that. Most of the events that go down in my life are easy to pin-point the purpose. Usually I'm in need of serious humbling, or I've been slacking in certain areas. But when there really seems to be no point-those times when I seriously don't get why "this" or "that" happened, I've realized that maybe it isn't my lesson to learn, and I just need to ride it out with as much grace and patience as possible.

Janet

Trenton's Birthday

Day 181 (Sunday August 1)
I think I redeemed myself from the faulty pie making skills of yesterday. Trenton's birthday cake was a quadruple layer, double chocolate confection with caramel and chocolate icing hugging every last bit of it. Trenton, Emma and I had so much fun baking it, shaving the chocolate bars to sprinkle on top, and icing the giant thing that I almost didn't want to eat it. Almost.

Happy Birthday Trenton!

And Christy!
On to what I learned today...

There are wonderful, kind, compassionate people all around me. I really don't give people enough credit and I'm going to start.

There is no better cure for fear than service. And singing Christmas songs.

I love my family more than anything...ever. They are an endless supply of love, support, fun, and entertainment. They don't just offer their help and love. They provide it.

I really think Chocolate can heal all wounds.

And this is why I am putting myself through all the anxiety and stress over the sugery tomorrow. These pink little babies that have burst into my life like firecrackers. To be the healthy mother they need me to be, I'm going to need to be brave and do it in spite of it all.

Janet

Pie

Day 180 (Saturday, July 31)

Today I learned that no matter how hard I try, no matter how closely I follow the recipe, I will never be able to make a raisin cream pie like Trenton's Grandma. I spent a good part of the morning hovering over a hot stove and rather complicated recipe for Trenton's birthday, and the result was kind of pathetic. Trenton, and my siblings, devoured it happily...it didn't taste bad, but the crust was a weird consistency and my meringue deflated over the course of the day.

Okay-so cream pies are not my forte. I'll just have to redeem myself with a dense, gooey, lick-the-beaters-chocolate cake tomorrow. Now chocolate is one thing I have never failed at.

Janet