Scared Mama

Yesterday my sweet little girl and I were walking in the school to see my nieces perform in a ballet. We had just shared a yummy lunch together and were enjoying the sunshine. But then one of the scariest things happened. She tripped and fell on her hands and knees, got up and cried a little, stopped crying and continued walking like nothing had happened. Then her little body got rigid, her face completely white, and she fainted-falling straight back, bashing her head on the pavement. I can still hear the screams that my sister and I let out as we watched it happen...I couldn't get to her fast enough. I rushed her to the ER with a mind full of worst case scenarios and that's where I learned about what I have inside of me. Emma has always been a beautifully healthy girl. She has managed to escape any lengthy or dangerous illnesses so I've never really been forced to witness her being handled by doctors. They had to tie her entire body down for the CT scan, bend and twist her for the Chest X-ray, and poked her a bunch of times for various tests and the IV. I have never heard her cry like that and anytime I close my eyes I can't get that sound out of my head. Thankfully all the tests came back normal and I will follow up tomorrow with her Doctor to figure out the source of her fainting. She isn't even showing signs of a concussion. We are so blessed. But this experience was extremely terrifying! The whole time I was just pouring sweat and nauseated...I wanted to do it all for her. So that gets me back to what I learned. Inside of me, despite all my feelings of inadequacy, there is a mommy. Up until now I have felt more like a mother-you know...the person that makes sure you're fed properly, that you take your vitamins and learn your ABC's. Yesterday, as Emma was screaming for me, I felt the type of broken heart only a mommy can feel. It's all over for me. I am hopelessly in love with my babies.

Janet