Thursday, September 23, 2010

Losing Control

Day 209

For the last few days I have had the most intense desire to just bail. I find myself daydreaming about packing a few boxes of our junk, selling the rest, buying four plane tickets and completely bailing out on our life here. It's not that I'm unhappy. I am happier than I've ever been. I'm just feeling cheated out of enjoying this happiness completely. Everything is so scheduled and tight. There is so little wiggle room for doing nothing and I am beginning to resent that. Maybe I'll consider following through with my plan someday, but for now- cheese tasting in Italy will have to wait. I realized today that what I'm looking for is a way to let go of some control. I go to bed every night with this huge knot in my neck because I've spent the day micromanaging every detail of not only my day, but two others as well. I could use a real lesson in letting go.
I've done that once before. I decided on a total whim to move to Europe when I was 19, where I learned the excitement of and down right joy in not knowing what's going to happen next. I was totally cool with not having a room reserved upon landing in a new city where they didn't even speak my language (or so they pretended). I practically never straightened my hair and I didn't look at a food label, not even one, the entire time I was there. Everything was so uncalculated, and fresh. Maybe it's because I was so far removed from my reality at home. Maybe it's because I was 19. So here's the real question- how do I recreate that feeling when I'm a married mother of two, with a home to care for, and two pets, and bills? How do I let go and still hang on to the things that are most important?
I guess I could wear my hair curly more often. And maybe not read a dozen consumer reports before buying something or eating at a restaurant. Maybe I could schedule a little more time to do nothing scheduled.


1 comment:

  1. I'm definitely no expert at "letting go" but I'm learning...very slowly. :) In one of the many things that are easier said than done, I'll tell you what I've been working on (for about 2 years, told ya I'm slow). Something's gotta give. We can't give 100% to everything in life, so we need to decide what needs the most of us, and what we can give a little less to. Sometimes our house needs the most attention, sometimes the kids, sometimes your relationship, sometimes YOU... It's okay to say no when you're busy, and it's okay not to feel guilty about it. What was your favorite thing to do as a kid or teenager? Go to a late movie, eat too much ice cream, ride a rollercoaster, something like that! We recently went to Manitou Springs and played at the cheap little arcade plaza-we even left the kids with my parents for 10 minutes and played skee-ball. Schedule in the fun stuff, or the alone time, and then you HAVE to do it! :)