If I hadn't miscarried, I would be 19 weeks, and 5 days along. I would be past the morning sickness, just beginning to show a belly, and looking forward to an April arrival. I would have most likely just had my gender ultrasound, and would know if I was having a boy or a girl. I know this isn't the happiest topic, and my ability to be so candid over the world wide web is strange to me, especially about something so personal. But I just can't help but feel that there are other women who need the benefit of knowing that my pain hasn't stopped just because the world has moved on. And that it's okay if yours hasn't either...about whatever it is you're hurting from. The pain has definitely lessened, just like everybody said it would. And my forecast on the future isn't so laced with fear. And I am so thankful for that. I'm thankful for the mind and body's ability to heal from even the most traumatic experiences.
But here is the thing...I want another baby so desperately. And I've waited patiently during the three months the doctor encouraged me to give my body to recover. I even had surgery to ensure my body is capable of sustaining another pregnancy. I feel like it's time- maybe it's inspiration from above, or maybe it's just my own heart and its feelings speaking up. But for whatever reason (and I know it sounds crazy since my two children are so little) I do feel like there is another little person impatiently waiting to join our family.
So, I'll get to the point. This whole experience, from the miscarriage on, has taught me that I don't have to fully let go of something before I'm able to move on to something else. For the past several months I have been waiting for some kind of division- a specific moment when the pain and guilt of this experience would stop. I felt that, only then, would I be emotionally stable enough to carry another pregnancy. But life isn't that way at all. It isn't compartmentalized, with trials confined, in solitary, from one another. The whole point is to have experiences, learn from them, and carry the lessons learned from those experiences in our tool belts for the future. I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's okay to carry baggage along with us into our next adventures. I don't think we need to resolve all our pain, regrets, anger, fears, and worries before moving on to the next stage of life. And often times, it's those new experiences and happier times that finally neutralize the past's pain.
What does this mean for me? Well- I think we're going to try to have another baby. Wish me love and baby dust.
And as for you, my lost babe- I have great faith that we'll be together forever someday.