Until today I hadn't had the quintessential meltdown since my miscarriage. Trenton was a little nervous that I hadn't really cried yet. I shed a few tears before and after the procedure, but nothing since...until today. I was standing in the middle of a very crowded Costco when I spotted a onesie that I had seen once before, while I was still pregnant. I remembered picking it up and admiring the butterflies on it, and the hat that came with it had little antennas. I remembered how excited I was and how I knew the baby was a girl. And then I remembered everything. It was like every thought, and feeling, and emotion came back to me with perfect clarity, all at once...the good, the bad, and the very sad.
I guess the fact of the matter is that this sucks. I wanted that baby. I was excited and welcoming of that baby, and for no reason I'll ever understand, she was taken from me. There are crackheads, and methheads, and teenagers and drunken one-night-stands that didn't want their babies. But I'm going to stop myself before heading down the road of "life isn't fair."
So that's where I stand right now. I've had one meltdown of many to come, I'm sure. And I actually feel a little better.
And researchers are striving to understand why crying does offer such a cathartic release. One study I read today claimed that tears act as a vehicle for releasing stress hormones. "Thus, crying is a natural and essential biological function that results in the elimination of stress hormones connected to every imaginable stress-related health problem." So if you see me crying in the middle of a box superstore, don't worry...I'm just purging harmful hormones and healing.