Now We're a Party of Five

Day 192

I am aware that I haven't posted since Wednesday, but that's because my head has been spinning with the realization that I am going to be having another baby. My body is creating another human life as we speak. And because of this fact I have had a hard time putting any words together that represent my emotions, to the magnitude at which I am feeling them. Would you like to know the progression of my thoughts when that test's line first turned pink?

1. GET OUT OF TOWN!
2. This is SOOOO exciting!
3. How am I going to tell Trenton?
4. How is my body going to handle another pregnancy?
5. Am I going to be as sick as I was with Ben?
6. Crap, I just ordered a size 4 dress for the Chorale.
7. Shouldn't I be more frightened?
8. How am I going to decorate one room for two kids when Ben and Emma have to share a room?
9. This is better than Christmas!
10. I was pregnant at Emma's first birthday and didn't know it yet. I was pregnant at Ben's first birthday and didn't know it yet. My babies are all going to be the EXACT same distance apart. There has got to be some existential, karmic explanation for this symmetry. Or maybe celebrating birthdays just makes me really fertile.
11. Wait a minute...I almost had a D + C and laproscopic surgery earlier this month. I was there. I had my little gown and surgical hat and slippers on and the IV was already pumping the freezing cold saline in my arm when the nurse took my temperature and said I had a slight fever. "Don't do the surgery today Janet." I thought to myself in desperation. "Don't let them cut into you today." I had a nervous breakdown, right there in the pre-op room and quietly alerted my Dr, "I can't do this today Dr. Skiles. I am so sorry. I just can't do this. I'm too nervous and I don't have a good feeling about it. I don't know why...I know you're an awesome surgeon, but I can't be cut into today. I have two kids at home that need me and I just feel like something would go wrong today if I went ahead." Do you know what my gentle, loving Dr. said? She sat right down next to me, put her hand on mine and said, "Let's not do it then. I'm actually excited to have a couple extra hours because I needed to buy a new picnic table for my deck. Let's put off the surgery for a while and explore some more non-surgical options for you." Then she gave me a hug and went on her way. Now, there have been plenty of times that I've been nervous. I was scared to death when I had a couple of my wisdom teeth removed, but I did it anyway because I didn't have this impending feeling of doom if I were to go through with it. This was different. This was an all encompassing terror. This was my body begging me in every, sickening way it knew how to NOT GO THROUGH WITH IT. And I will never forget how warm, ethereal, even compassionate the sun felt as I walked out of the surgical center that day. That D+C would have scraped out this budding life within me. Maybe I would have never known. People have chemical pregnancies all the time where they lose a pregnancy before they even know their pregnant. But something tells me I would have felt that void. Never again, for the rest of my life, will I ignore a prompting or my gut feeling. And so this immediately led to my next thought...
12. Thank you God!

Trenton is just as excited as I am. He found out from Emma when she said, "Mommy has a baby in her tummy." The several tests I accidentally left around the house might have also tipped him off. I am nervous, but not scared. I am actually at peace with all this finally. I am so happy.

Janet