December

Day 240

I understand that I've been MIA for a few days (almost a week) but I have been so overwhelmed by this holiday season. It's amazing how, in one day, I can experience the full spectrum of emotions in their entirety. One moment I'm choking back tears because one of my kids did something precious, or the lights on the Christmas tree are especially twinkly, or I've just heard a beautiful message about the nativity. And then the next moment I'm panicking about all that needs to get done. Only to turn around and be angry, or scared, or frustrated, or happy, or excited. It is exhausting. Each night I've been collapsing in bed with literally no strength to continue. And then each morning I wake up with a hopeful, renewed perspective, which usually helps me get through the day. I remember seeing my Mom go through this during the month of December and promising myself I wouldn't be like that. I wouldn't get stressed about the most wonderful time of the year. I wouldn't allow myself to get caught up in the commercialization of the holiday. I foolishly felt that every single drop of my energy would be spent joyfully shopping for and wrapping gifts, baking goodies, making gingerbread houses, and partying. Don't get me wrong...I am joyfully experiencing those things, but now that I'm a wife, a mom, and just aware of what's happening in the world, I can't help but feel some burden on my shoulders.
I learned today that so much is dependant on my attitude. Circumstances aren't really going to change, and the one thing I have complete control over is my state of mind. How the remainder of this month goes is up to me- and I am going to chill.

Janet