Monday, April 4, 2011

Too Perfect

Day 278

I am finally beginning to see a pattern. Whenever I think or say "I can't go through that." or "I'm not strong enough to deal with something like this." I am given the opportunity to prove myself wrong. You would think I would have learned that little lesson sooner. But if I continue insisting I can't handle certain trials, it seems I'll inevitably be confronted with those trials as a gift of refinement and strengthening. Thankfully, in the midst of one of the hardest weeks of my life, I was able to watch the April 2011 LDS General Conference. It seemed, from my perspective, that a resounding theme throughout the conference this spring was the importance of learning to accept, instead of resent, tribulation as an inescapable reality of our mortal experience. The talks were packed with words of comfort, advice, and reminders that it is impossible for us to grow, or become stronger without resistance. And the additional reminder that we are not expected to navigate these troubled moments without the assured help of God. Another speaker brought hope by insisting that dark times are almost always a sign that even brighter days are in the near future, and the joy we feel will be that much more precious because of those recent struggles. I am so thankful for the inspired words of the general authorities.

It was a week ago today that I found out my baby's little heart was no longer beating. I don't think I'll ever forget how still the image was on the ultrasound, and the look of sadness on my Doctor's face. I will also never forget the words my Doctor whispered in my ear as she hugged me. She told me she loved me and that "the baby was just too perfect to experience the pain of mortality." I had surgery last Tuesday to remove the pregnancy and before being wheeled into the OR, they asked me how I'd like to put the baby to rest. I am so thankful the fetus was acknowledged as a human being, and she has been placed in a special section of Evergreen Cemetery, specifically for those babies that were miscarried or stillborn. Until today I didn't know I could hurt so badly. But I do know that there is a plan for my life. I know I will give birth to another child someday. And despite this overwhelming sadness, I will never lose hope.

I miss you so much, little angel baby. Janet

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