Monday, January 3, 2011

Still Sick

Day 249

Do you ever feel like you're dying and nobody will take you seriously until you're actually dead? If you don't remember my earlier post, "Help, I'm Sick!", I've been sick for a while. Unfortunately my symptoms have been getting worse, despite the various drugs they've prescribed. Now I'm nauseated all day, have zero energy, and there is blood coming from places blood should never come from. And the worst part is that I have the most excruciating pain in my right side, directly under my ribcage which goes around to the back. I could literally draw a box around where the pain is. I have been to several doctors with these complaints- One performed laproscopic surgery to rule out endometriosis, another sent me for a CT scan and ultrasound of my gallbladder, and both looked fine. Another doctor just suggested I quit eating solids altogether and live on high calorie milkshakes indefinitely. Finally I was referred to a gastrointerologist who is supposed to be "the best" but they couldn't get me into their office until the end of January (the appointment was made in the middle of November.) This weekend my symptoms spiked and I called this morning to see if they could fit me in any sooner, and thankfully they will get in me on Wednesday. I was stunned by the response of the receptionist when I asked for her advice. I told her, "I can't keep food in me longer than an hour, the right side of my abdomen hurts to the touch, and when I use the restroom there is fresh blood." And all she had to say was, "You should just be glad we're getting you in as soon as we are!"
And she's right...I should be glad. But today I don't happen to be glad. I can't shake this feeling that there is something really wrong. You can't be this sick and not have something wrong with you! I wake up every single night, in a cold sweat, with this sense of urgency to get my business in order because I'm haunted with this feeling that I'm going to die before someone figures out what's wrong with me.
Maybe this is stemming from anxiety- It could just be a bad case of hypochondria. But based on my intuition and past experiences, I'm more likely to believe that my body is desperately trying to clue me in on something that is happening inside of me.
And here is the craziest part...I have been going on with my life like everything is fine! Other than some complaints here and there, I still work, and take care of my kids, and do my calling in church. I try to be a good wife and mom. I still put makeup on and style my hair, and pull outfits together. Trenton is totally freaked because "all of the sudden" I'm completely falling apart. What he doesn't seem to understand (to no fault of his own) is that I've been total mush on the inside for a very long time. And I'm finally in so much pain that I can't keep it up anymore. I just need to figure this out. I have got to find out what is making me so sick. I have learned that nobody else is going to be my advocate. Nobody else is going to make sure I'm having the appropriate tests done and following up with the right doctors.


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